Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
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Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]