nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
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*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.