He took my last fry, your honor
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[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.