Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
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These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
this is what they would have looked like, though
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Sending in my taxes
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.