I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
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Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
For those that worship cheese..
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins