[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
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[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’