What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
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hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
real
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Yep.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?