Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
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Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.