What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
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Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
A vampire can鈥檛 enter your home without being invited. But that doesn鈥檛 apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
run away with me except we鈥檙e driving so we鈥檒l mostly sit
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
WebMD on April Fools: You鈥檙e fine
If you鈥檙e stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 馃槓
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I like the word amongst. That鈥檚 it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I鈥檒l do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.