Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
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whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…