STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
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Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.