Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
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Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Don’t snitch tag.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it