Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
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Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
This is the best one I’ve seen
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL