If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
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My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
c’mon!
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
this is the greatest thing ever
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress