I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
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the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
True
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Fidel Castro was alive?
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless