sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
You Might Also Like
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
even bears disappoint their mothers
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff