12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
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My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
🤣
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Sunday
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!