I am, perchance
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[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Breaking news:
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED