When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
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*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
idk what this dog had been going through but same
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded