Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
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After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.