Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
The dark side of Canada
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis