Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
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In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.