I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
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Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off