i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
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wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.