when mom throws a party…
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I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.