You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
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I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Meow
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.