Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
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Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?