Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
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I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.