getting corrected
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If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!