me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
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Fe
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Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god