I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
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No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Lmaoo 😂
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]