Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
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I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy