How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
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In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Finally!
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy