I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
You Might Also Like
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
You can’t rush stupid.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.