I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
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Erm I’m gonna say no
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
oh u like history? name everything that happened
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
normalize having existential bread
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
$3 #books
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes