Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
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Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Spotted in New Orleans.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…