Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
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Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
A classic…
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE