[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
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Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”