My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
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Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
only 11 steps left
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol