Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
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Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Husband of the year 😂
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Well, this explains it:
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.