Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
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Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.