You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
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The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..