It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
You Might Also Like
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”