My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
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*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
They’re not wrong
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.