I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
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I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
My beach vacation Google searches
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
What a year we’ve had this week.