[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
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I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”