It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
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abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
what’s really going on
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap