Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
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I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
me irl
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!