Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
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The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that