Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
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SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?